


My Love For You Kills Me

by c10wnc0r333



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Crying, Cutting, If you are easily triggered then don't read, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, MAJOR TW, Multiple Songs, On-going Writing, One-Sided Attraction, Slow Updates, Song Inspired, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:14:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28607331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c10wnc0r333/pseuds/c10wnc0r333
Summary: Slow Updates because my mental health is shitPersonas, not creatorsPreview lol, I promise my writing is so much better than this.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 60





	My Love For You Kills Me

Sapnap let small tears fall to the floor as he watched his best friend, and potential love of his life, walk away with George. It's not like Sapnap had a reason to be upset, he just wished he could spend more time with Dream, as much time that George spends with Dream. Sapnap didn't understand why he felt so upset as Dream and George walked off into the sunset, joking and playfully hitting each other. They weren't even dating, they're just really good friends who joke about dating. Sapnap wish Dream would joke with him like that, even if was a joke, it was as close as he could get to being in a relationship with Dream without actually being in a relationship.

"Kiss me hard before you go..." Sapnap whispered to himself, wiping his shallow tears. His breathing was steady but he felt like he could breakdown any second.

In all honesty, Sapnap wanted to start a new life with Dream. He wanted to just get up and run away. When he felt like doing this, he would think back to when he was younger when Dream and him would joke about running away together for the rush. Now, Sapnap didn't want to run away for the rush, but because he felt as though him and Dream were meant for each other. Though Sapnap felt like him and Dream were meant to be together, Sapnap hated that feeling, He felt like he wasn't supposed to be thinking that about any of his friends, especially Dream but he couldn't help his feelings

Sometimes, it really got to Sapnap's head and all he could do was hurt himself, he thought of it as some sort of "punishment" for himself as if the feeling of his love never being returned wasn't enough pain already. But as soon as Dream was with Sapnap, all the pain was washed away and it made Sapnap go insane, he sometimes just wanted to scream his feelings to Dream. Instead, Sapnap would scream his feelings while he was on top of tall buildings. He would scream until he lost his voice, after he debated on jumping but he never did, he was suicidal but his anxiety always stopped him from committing.

Sapnap turned around and started walking pack to his house, hands in his pockets as his tears fell from his face and hit the grass. He started to debate on going to a building but it was windy today and he didn't want to accidentally fall and plummet to his death. Is anything was going to kill Sapnap, it would be himself. As morbid as that sounds.

When Sapnap entered his house, he slammed the door and fell to the floor, breaking down in tears.

"Why am I even crying? Nothing major happened... They just walked off together. Why am I so upset? I'm so stupid, so so stupid. They're just friends so stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying!" Sapnap shouted at himself, putting his head between his knees. 

Suddenly all emotions were clear to Sapnap. Love, Sadness, Anger, Jealousy. They all hit Sapnap like a bus and he did not like it. Voices invaded his head, calling his a drama king and various names and phrases like "stupid" or "overreactor". He kept repeating to himself, "It's okay not to be okay," but the voices told him he was wrong and his urges to harm himself became more and more severe. He tried his best to ignore them, his arms were already pretty bad as they were and he didn't want to start harming his legs. That would just make it harder to stand or walk, the immense stinging and when he is walking, the cuts could re-open and blood could drip down his leg, onto grass and Dream or one of his other friends would see and tell him to roll up his pants where they would see the multiple fresh cuts. But Sapnap could be overthinking it all, as he usually did. 

Sapnap slowly got up and went to his room, a razor on his dresser which he picked up, a sob leaving his lips. He sat on his bed, rolling up his right pantleg. Slowly, he put the blade against his skin, slowly slashing his legs, it hurt but it released his stress. It hurt but he thought he deserved it. It hurt but it was for Dream. Sapnap started to carve letters into his leg, when he finished, it spelled out "IM SORRY". A lot of blood was leaving Sapnap's body and it gave him a headrush but his tears started to get less intense and eventually, he fell backwards, falling into a forced sleep.

\----------------------

When Sapnap woke, it was to loud knocks on his door and within five seconds of him being awake, panic filled himself. He smelt like blood and there was still dried blood on his leg. Sapnap quickly pulled his pantleg down, even though it scrapped against the fresh cuts. He limped to his front door, opening it slowly.

"Hello?" He asked, he saw the sun was up. Was he really out that long?

"Wanna go to the park with me?"

He recognized that voice, that soft, angelic voice.

"Y-yeah, Let me get dressed really quick Dream." Sapnap replied.

"I'll wait outside." Dream nodded, turning away from the door.

Sapnap was kinda glad that Dream didn't come inside, he probably would have stumbled into something that would have hinted as his love for the green man. And the smell of blood was intense in the house. Sapnap went to go grab a rag, which he used to clean the blood off of his leg before bandaging the wounds. He quickly threw on some new clothes then went outside.

"What park are we going to?" Sapnap asked, locking his door

"The one with the lake." Dream smiled.

Sapnap's breath hitched, that park was the park he almost drowned himself in after he refused to tell Dream how he felt. A few months ago, he was going to finally tell Drem that he was in love with him but he chickened out and had a break down. He got most of his battle scars from that night, he even considered hanging himself but he couldn't find rope. He remembered that the park has a lake and was one of the only places people wouldn't be at around three in the morning. He was almost successful but something stopped him. He passed out and then the next day, he was in the hospital. The doctors just assumed that he slipped and fell in considering he had a wound on his head but that was from when he accidentally hit his head on his door frame. He was lucky that they didn't know he tried to off himself, because if they did know that, he would have been sent to a mental hospital.

"Are you okay, Sapnap?" Dream asked.

"Yeah just... Just saw a bug." Sapnap laughed, putting his keys in his pockets.

"Oh," Dream laughed, "Let's go then."

Oh God, Sapnap loved it when Dream laughed. It filled him so much joy and he just became unbelievably happy when he heard it. Sapnap smiled to himself.

"Yeah, let's go..." Sapnap said, beginning to walk with Dream.

...

"Why do I feel so uneasy?" Sapnap thought to himself, feeling as though he was going to vomit.


End file.
